Why the Holidays Bring Up So Much Frustration With Our Parents — and How to Meet It Somatically
The holidays have a way of amplifying things we usually like to keep under the metaphorical ‘rug’.
You might notice yourself feeling more irritable around your parents’ habits, comments, or emotional patterns.
The same quirks that feel manageable at a distance suddenly feel unbearable when you’re back in the same room.
This isn’t because you’re immature, ungrateful, or “not healed enough.” It’s because the holidays bring us back into proximity with the very systems and response patterns that shaped our nervous systems in the first place.
Why Parental Patterns Feel So Activating
Being around parents often activates old relational roles — even when we’re adults with full, independent lives.
Your body remembers:
how you learned to adapt
what you needed to suppress
which parts of yourself weren’t welcomed
when it was safer to stay quiet, perform, or take care of others
So when a parent repeats a familiar behavior — interrupting, minimizing, controlling, avoiding, or emotional dumping — your nervous system responds before your mind has a chance to intervene.
That reaction isn’t overreaction. It’s memory.
Why Acceptance Is So Hard (and Why It’s Not a Mindset Problem)
We’re often told to “just accept” our parents for who they are.
But acceptance isn’t something you can think your way into when your body feels braced or defensive.
If a parent’s behavior once felt threatening, unpredictable, or emotionally overwhelming, your system learned to stay alert around them.
That means:
frustration shows up faster
patience is thinner
compassion feels inaccessible
old resentment resurfaces
Before acceptance is possible, your nervous system needs to feel regulated in their presence.
A Somatic Perspective on Family Frustration
From a somatic lens, frustration is often a signal that a boundary is being crossed — internally or externally.
Your body may be saying:
“This feels familiar, and I don’t like it.”
“I’m slipping back into an old role.”
“I’m holding tension to stay composed.”
“I’m bracing for something I’ve learned to expect.”
Rather than judging these reactions, somatic work invites curiosity:
What is my body doing right now — and why?
Somatic Techniques to Increase Tolerance and Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean approving of behavior or bypassing your experience.
It means staying present without collapsing or escalating.
Here are a few somatic practices that can help during family time:
1. Orient to the Present Moment
Gently name what’s different now — your age, your autonomy, your ability to leave or set limits. This helps your body distinguish past from present.
2. Track Sensation, Not Story
Instead of replaying mental narratives about your parent, notice what’s happening in your body. Tight chest? Clenched jaw? Shallow breath? Awareness alone can soften reactivity.
3. Lengthen the Exhale
Slow, extended exhales cue safety in the nervous system. This can be done quietly, even mid-conversation.
4. Ground Through the Feet or Seat
Press your feet into the floor or feel the support of the chair beneath you. Physical grounding creates emotional space.
5. Reduce Exposure When Needed
Somatic acceptance includes honoring your limits. Shorter visits, breaks, or stepping outside are valid regulation strategies — not failures.
These practices don’t change your parents — but they change your experience of being around them.
How Therapy Supports This Work
In my practice, we don’t try to force forgiveness or relational clarity prematurely.
We start by helping your body feel less hijacked in familiar dynamics.
Through somatic therapy and EMDR, we work with the experiences that taught your system how to respond to your parents in the first place — so you’re not reacting from old patterns that no longer fit your life.
Over time, clients often notice:
less emotional charge around family interactions
more choice in how they respond
increased compassion without self-abandonment
the ability to hold boundaries without guilt
Acceptance becomes possible not because you convinced yourself — but because your body no longer needs to defend itself as strongly.
Now Accepting In-Person Appointments in Carmel-by-the-Sea
I offer in-person therapy in Carmel-by-the-Sea, serving women in Monterey, Big Sur, and Santa Cruz, as well as virtual sessions throughout California.
If family dynamics feel especially heavy this season, you don’t have to navigate them alone. This work is about helping you stay rooted in yourself — even when old patterns are close at hand. Check out my website here to book a consultation today.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Results from therapy may vary. Ashley K. Whelan is a holistic psychotherapist in California offering EMDR, somatic therapy, and psychedelic integration for women seeking mind-body-spirit healing in Carmel-by-the-Sea, Monterey, and Big Sur.