High-Functioning Women Often Miss Their Own Progress
One of the most common things I see in my work is this:
She’s clearly changing. Her nervous system is more settled.
Her reactions are softer.
She’s navigating situations differently than she used to.
But she has a has a hard time acknowledging it because she’s still focused on what hasn’t happened yet.
High-functioning women are often the worst judges of their own progress.
Not because they’re negative — but because they’re used to operating at such a high level that anything short of “completely fixed” feels like failure.
When Competence Becomes the Baseline
If you’ve been the responsible one your whole life, people expect a lot from you.
You probably expect a lot from yourself too.
You’re the one who keeps things moving.
The one others come to when they need support.
The one who can always figure things out on her own.
Nervous System Shifts Are Quiet
Real change in the nervous system doesn’t always feel dramatic. In fact, they tend to be really subtle.
It often looks like:
recovering faster after something upsetting
not spiraling the way you used to
speaking up sooner
noticing your body and what you’re feeling.. not just what you’re thinking.. sooner
pausing instead of reacting
feeling more grounded in situations that used to take you out for a few days
These are not flashy milestones.
They’re subtle repatternings happening beneath the surface
And they matter. and they should be celebrated.
Why High-Functioning Often Women Miss Subtle Changes Taking Place
There are a few reasons this happens.
1. Your system is used to scanning for problems
If you’ve spent years anticipating criticism, rejection, or stress, your brain naturally keeps looking for what still needs improvement.
That vigilance doesn’t disappear overnight — even when you’re healing.
2. You’re still measuring yourself against perfection
Progress rarely feels good enough when the internal benchmark is unrealistic.
Many women I work with are comparing themselves to an imagined future version who never struggles.
3. You more easily recognize stress and tension over regulation and contentness
When your baseline has been “slightly stressed” for years, feeling calmer doesn’t necessarily register as change.
It just feels unfamiliar.
Sometimes even uncomfortable.
The Body Changes Before the Mind Recognizes It
One of the reasons I love EMDR and somatic work is because they create shifts that aren’t dependent on willpower.
The nervous system updates first.
Then awareness catches up.
I’ll often hear clients say something like:
“I don’t know why, but that didn’t bother me as much.”
Or:
“I handled that differently without even thinking about it.”
That’s not random.
That’s the brain and body reorganizing.
If you’re curious about how EMDR can support shifts like this, you can learn more here.
Stabilization Makes Progress More Noticeable
Another piece that helps women recognize change is nervous system regulation.
When your system is constantly activated, you don’t have enough internal space to notice improvement.
That’s one reason I sometimes integrate listening therapies like the Rest and Restore Protocol, which uses specially filtered music to help the body shift out of chronic stress patterns.
When regulation increases, perception changes.
You can actually feel the difference.
Progress Is Often Measured in Capacity
Instead of asking, “Am I fixed yet?” a more useful question is:
What feels easier than it used to?
Maybe you:
Need less time to recover after conflict
Feel more present in conversations
Have fewer intrusive thoughts
Trust your decisions faster
Sleep more deeply
Feel less braced in your body
These changes are real — even if they’re gradual.
You’re Probably Further Along Than You Think
One of the most meaningful moments in therapy is when someone realizes:
“I’m not where I was six months ago.”
Not because everything is perfect.
But because something inside feels different.
More space. More steadiness. More self-trust.
Healing rarely feels like a finish line.
It feels like less effort to be yourself.
In-Person EMDR and Somatic Therapy in Carmel-by-the-Sea
I offer in-person EMDR and somatic therapy in Carmel-by-the-Sea, working with women from Monterey, Big Sur, and Santa Cruz, and working with women virtually across California.
My approach integrates EMDR, somatic therapy, and nervous system regulation tools to help high-functioning, intuitive women move from insight into embodied change.
If you’re someone who’s doing “pretty well” but knows there’s another layer available — this work could be exactly what you’re looking for.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Results from therapy may vary. Ashley K. Whelan is a holistic psychotherapist in California offering EMDR, somatic therapy, and psychedelic integration for women seeking mind-body-spirit healing, with in-person sessions available in Carmel-by-the-Sea, Monterey, and Big Sur.